3lsk

I had the most wonderfull day. or whatever.
I woke up next to him and had a terrible hangover.
he gave me a couple og painkillers and a glass of water. I fell asleep again and he were there when I finally woke up again.
He has this smile and it was just me an him.
I could not think of anything else that I love him. and I hope I never hurt him.¨
He loves me. He kisses my scars. say I'm everything to him.
In those moments, when we are in the same bed, and I can feel his heath and hear him breathe. I feel loved. I dare to love him back.
and thats more than I ever did before.

I've been to shitt in my life, and I was born with social anxitey.
mix it up and I have a big fear of getting involved with anything cocktail.
In action I cut myself to feel a distance. I lie just to know that I'm still free enough to hurt somebody. still free to give a shitt if they leave.
I've cheated in all my serious relationships with boys. and when I get hurt, I starve myself or eat much. Go antisocial and read much. Trying to gain some points in my head with getting higher grades. also, I know I can manage life alone. that I don't need anyone.
If I have a bad day, and everything gets to my heart. every word, I can twist it to be against me. I can be really touchy and then I bite back. I can yell at people in several hours just to take control over my own fear. to convince myself that I am, I am living. that I'm not unsecure. But I am. Everyday. every fucking day.
and its a bad circle which never ends. it gets worse. Now, that I got like this person to talk to, its even harder. and I actually wonder if its worth it. I see things in new perspectives, and see trough my actions and find out the reason why.
The worst part is to work against it.
it tears me up.

He gives me a reason to keep it going. to belive. at the end of the week, I always end up sleeping over with him, like I've already described. it makes me complete. It makes it worth. all the suffering. its worth.
He teach me how to live. to be right now. and he makes it alright to forget about all the charges, all the musts. with him I don't feel like scoring high all the time.
because he don't range people after what the achive, but as who they are. to him .
It helps me, it really helps me.

he leaves tonight.
We've already said goodbye.

Well, I fianlly am fine. i thing mayne. if i don't thing. its a paradow.
They leaugh at me, of my frwaky way to think. Because I feel more sorry if my los gets to more than me.

I'm at his house. silent. we're drinking. I'm fine. still his gonna leabe in two days.
fuck.
no.
"its not true and it does not hurt".

waking up to a rush of traditions. i've been good. haven't cried. and have smiled to the people around me.
still it brakes me.
it brakes and brakes and brakes.
and my english is bad, when I'm drunk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.

ITS NOT REAL AND IT DOES NOT HURT!!!!!

I woke up at 11 o'clock, and wonder why the hell I was sleeping in my clothes, and how I got to my bed.
My mum said it was an hour 'till me and my brother and sister should be at my dad's for the yearly christmas lunch.

Yestarday I was at work. It was okay, I did not believe I could manage it. But I had a little booze, so whenever I felt like crying and give up, I took a sip.
It feels like the men in who works around me finaly think of me like one of them. Everybody said hi and wished me a merry christmas. Maybe just because it is chirstmas, or mybe because of the media attention we got this half year.
Luckily I did a lot of work.. maybe I just have to work one more day this christmas.
We ate a big christams lunch that day, it was a bit odd. I know some of the people who works at the storage, and I know the boarderfirectors. I think the whole idea of that lunch were for people to mingle between the social levels in the firm, but its like a hidden line or tons of unwritten rules which seperate all of them.
I'm glad I don't work there very much. I can mingle, because I'm not seated.
I'm the boss's daughter and the slut who fucked the satanist at storage 3.
I guess they don't even have a place for that in the firm heritage.

Later that day I actually were outside the whole day. He is at home now.
I really tried to make it a good day, but you know..
It didn't work out good. He had to leave around ten, and we didn't get our stash before 9ish.
It sucked.
I was looking forward to take the bus homw with him, but I was feeling so god damn bad so I only were on it for a few stops. I walked the rest of the way home.
It was wonderful. The lights of the cars and the streetlights were blinding me and I did not have any place to sit down. But it was okay. I saw things, I even saw the devil or soemthing bad. But it was okay. I was safe.
He sent me a message to ask if I were okay the same night.
I just told him I had a bad week. I don't want to tell him how down I actually am.
That I've almost given up. that I am afraid.
more than ever.

The crying is on again.
I don't know what to do. its christmas. I don't want to feel like this tomorrow, and I don't think I hade enough energy to fake it.
It will ruin things.
I hate christmas, especially when it is whit mums.
They always get too drunk, and my grandparents kind of switch roles. From good educated helping and trustable people, to sassy, derisive people.
It makes me cry on normal days. God, its really gonna kill me.
I think... I cry too much.

I want him to take me out. Just... a safe place. Just hold my hand when we talk with people I dont know that much.
I want attention. I want him to care. I want to tell people around me other than "nah, I'm just tired, did not get much sleep yestarday".
Its a lie. but what am I to say.
there isn't much, I can't describe.

well, marry christmas to everyone.

- elsk.

well, not exactly.
Since I don't have time to work when I go to school, I have to work in this weekend.
I'm very nervous for it. Especially the food. especially everything that has with social things. I hate christmas eve. Bu tthis year, I've been good. Haven't complained about it. Just said I'd look forward to it.
Then I don't ruin somebody elses christams. If I even mean that much to anyone.

I did not have the two first classes today. We had gym. I have a special problem with gym as it is, because of my social anxity. When I feel bad, I can't manage it.
So I went sleeping in the library. I think I snorred. don't care that much about it.
I finaly sleep now. Still not getting new energy. I'm fed up with this. But I don't dare hope for anyting else.

I'm waiting for a friend to call me. We're supposed to take a walk. I have some extra calories to burn, and I don't want to sit in this sofa anymore.
I love my friend. With her I don't feel any anxity, and I'm really myself with her, the way I want to be. I do not fear speaking up and tell her my exact opinions and I'm not afraid to.. I don't know. I tell her the truth. Always. I would not mind lying to her, I don't feel like I have to either.

Today, I just managed to get myself through school again, then I went home. The crying is on again, but I fell asleep pretty soon. The headche is not getting better, and everytime I try to think, or find myself thinking, I get sick. I am sick, feeling ill.
My mum are afraid I can't sleep because I have to share room with my sister. Because my brother is home for christmas, he has the extra room in this house.
But its not that. And this makes the distance between us bigger. She can't see my black hole, this hopelessness, this thing I'm affected of right now. I'm not afraid to sleep in the same room as my sister. I'm too frightened to close my eyes, I just start thinking. then.. I don't know. My head starts twisting.
and I'm full of energy.

got to go now,

-elsk.

It feels like I've been sucked into a massive black hole.
I am alone, and feel alone. Like a bloody emo. "No one understands me".
Well, they actually don't.
I can't see either future or past, all I know is right now. If I try to think about something else, I just get sick.
I've always thought that you chose your own reality. You know like, if something happens, you could see it in two diffrent ways; one positive and one negativ. You can chose whats worth bother about, whats important to you and whats not.
I don't have the energy to see one thing clear. I hate this unsteadyness. I hate lying on the sofa all day, watching movies I've seen a thousands of times.
I really don't see there are a new tomorrow. All I know is,
I don't want this. I don't want to be this. I don't want to live my life.
I'm not suicidal or anything. I don't even have the energy to think about that.

It startet off yestarday.
A monday. Everybody hates mondays and I thought it just were a bad day.
its a long day at school, we're not off untill three o'clock, then have traing at four.
I've got home and were about to change clothes, then I startet to cry. I cried for an hour.
My sister came home and took me out for a cigarette. Tried to tell me I just had to take the day off. Just needed some time. That I just were exhausted, not much of a suprise actually. It has been a couple of tough weeks.
My mum, when she got home too, she said the same. I can't explain it to them.
The words don't come out and again, I'm too tired to look for them.
I guess they just don't see the black hole, like I do.
They don't see...
I don't know what it is.

I've managed another day at school, and I've finaly stopped crying now.
But I don't feel much better. still, I managed to get my ass out for an hour to jog.
It used to help before, but not now (well ofcourse not, when you really need things, they are not there).
I've been sitting in this god damn sofa for hours. Doing nothing but reading and that sort of stuff.
and I found myself some sunglasses. It really helps when I get out of this house.
I feel much more, anonymus.

I'm going to my psychologist tomorrow. We'll see how that turn out.

its just. I don't know. Meaningless. tomorrow is nothing but hardship. I wish I could lay in bed all day, I wish this could stop.
I wish he could come see me, still not. I've always told him about how I want to reach my golds, how I am never giving up. How hard I want to beat this. But I can't. I've failed. I don't want him to know how weak I am right now.
I wish he just be here, holding my hand. just watch me. Then maybe I could get some sleep. If I just knew he were there.
around my house. I wish I could relax. there is always someone here. I feel, uptight. I need a brake. From myself. My own mind. from everyone.
But you can't... you know. leave your own body. If you like it or not, you're stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. Every fucking action. every fucking thing you do. You never get away. ever.
I wish he were here.
I wish he could answer me.

I'm afraid to sleep. I don't want tomorrow to start. I don't want to lie there, the first five minutes, or thirty or whatever minutes till I finally reach my dreams.
I can't take it. I can't think. I can't do anything.
I am nothing. I am just a freaking zombie wandering. I hate it, but don't have the energy to do something about it.
My mum is still awake. she wants to sleep now, but don't want to live me. I look terrible. black circles around my eyes, I look tired. Would not be suprised if I got some grey hair to.

I know that at some point, I have to start climbing out of this black supermassive hole. I can't stay like this, whatever it is, forever.
In a way I feel safe. Under the surface you know, away from things. Still its so real.
You know, sometimes reality hits you really hard in your face. This is reality. This is life. This is what you fucking are.

I have a terrible headache. I'll try sleeping.
I just have to motivate myself to get my ass downatairs.

Starting a blog has been in my thoughts for several months. Before, it was to write down and for people to see my ideas of reason and my "genius" way to think.
This blog, will not be like that.
As this year has given me a lot of challenges, and I've finaly discovered whats "wrong" with me,
this blog exists to share my way through my life as it is now.
I hope this will help me, because expressions in words has always been my way to, well... I guess survive. Speaking are not easy for me, and
to tell the truth, the hole truth which no one but me knows,
I now find it important and necassery in a way I never did before.

There are some people in my life I want to tell this to.
My nearest and most loved ones.
I don't have the guts to tell them, and I don't think I'll ever tell them about this blog.
So instead of bother them to listen to my complaints about living,
I will get it out right here.

I'm sorry if I might provoke people who reads this,
or this blog will lead to negative feelings.
Tell me, and I'll just stop writing,
but this is still important for me to do,
so remember you don't actually have to read this.

Thanks,
- Elsk