Feeling better.
It just startet yestarday as he just left on the boat.
I guess I should be nervous because he is travelling with this dope head and a not so stabile pretty girl who fucks too many without thinking.
But I've decided not to think about it. Let my doubt go to his best.
He says he loves me and will not start using drugs again. I've already told him taht if he do, I don't want anything to do with him. A little bit proud of that. Made a statement. Not much like me in this relationship. A long time ago I promised myself not to be so commited and never be so addicted to a person that I'll do so much for them.
Anuway, he says he does not want to start drugs again because of me. I know its naiv to believe shitt like that. But I let myself believe, for now.
Haven't cried in a while now. Maybe I miss it. Many times I wish I just could crawl up in my bed or the sofa and just cry my eyes out. But I guess I'm not at that level now. I dare to think. Or, I can focus on my thinking. Not good mostly.
Beeing very nervous around anything and a single thing like going to the nearest store can freak me out. I had a few panic attacs a few days ago.
Just screaming and shouting. Braking things. Almost lost my voice. Don't care.
And going off to my old routine. Yelling to other people.
The anxity are clever. As I first take everything personally, everything he says I wist to he don't love me or he fuck everyone else but me. So I feel hurt. Then I tell myself that I can manage without him. That I don't need him. That I don't deserve him. I'm too ugly, fat... and so fucking on. sometimes all I want to do is hurt him. To own him in words. Crash him. I've sais a few comments, not much. but still.
New years eve was one of the bad days. But already there I can say I did things more right. I did not drink all that much and tried to stay... friendly to people. at least pretending I was happy.
He was very drunk and a few minutes before twelve he was talking on his cell to that fucking unstabile sex addicted pretty girl. I did not like that. Byt did not say anything. right before the clock striked twelwe he just stood before me and kissed me.
He also understood a little I think. I was in this huge discussion and started to get rude. really stupid actually. he told me to shut the fuck up. I just got more provoked, but he insisted. the only one who dares to do that to me. stand up to me when I am in that mood. I thank him for that. I need at some point to realize... that I just have to shut the fuck up. I think I'm right but see later that its stupid. then I feel stupid. and we're on again.
well. I've done some school work the past days and some political work. Not freaking out, yet.
Trying to stay in control of my eating and starving. Not obsessing.
Reading a book, or, just finished it. Its called Naiv. Super. and written by erlend loe. Its about a guy who just got a breakdown, and he tells about how he manage life at that time and in some sort of way he get his feet back on the ground.
I learned two things;
1. Everything has a shape. Its up to you to fill it.
Like, my life has a shape. A structure. I have things to do.
I have to fill this shell with things I like. Fill it with a way I can manage. Handle.
So for now, I put my starving on wait. but just for now. I promise. If I stress about it now, I'm afraid I just fill my life with negatives. If it gets too mucj, I binge with everything.
2. Everyone are the best of something.
When I try to do things, or tell people of my "obsessions". have to do this, and that. An have to improve my own acktions, I always get stuck at this one thing they tell me. "you can't be the best at everything". Actually I think that is bullocks. I can be the best. If I want to be the best. But for now. Just for now, I say... I settle with best at somethings.
I just have to get my feet back on the ground, get control of my feelings. Get over this shit, then I'll start work as I used to. I need to be thinner, I need to get on social with everyone. even the stupid ones. And I have to get the best grades. Do a little bit better at the training. Then I'll be satisfied. Not now.
So I'll just aking it calm.
Tomorrow, school starts again. The first to hours is gym. Fuck. I'm nervous. I want to buz of and never leave my bed again. But I'll try. I don't know why. I just have to.
