Well, It's been a long week.
For to and a half day I did not obsess with the food. Before I used to think that I failed with starting obsessin again, now its changed.
I think, it's a good start!
I'm miss. positive.
I don't think about him. Its the best way. I can't feel, that gets in my way for my goals.
Its sunday. I wake up quite sober from two days with drinking and much fun.
It's been a very good weekend. I had a lot of fun with my nearest friends and stuff.
Most off all, some of the guys are going to military, and we had a visiter who is very very nice. We sang singstar and I taped when tey all were dancing. I was too afraid, but fuck. don't care.
The pills, yeah.
I'm so fucking happy. A friend of mine told me about some pills, energy pills. Its not like dope or anything, its natural pills made from some kind of healthy plants. I don't care. She says they really help and are really good.
Tomorrow I'm gonna take my first. I can't wait!
the description says "you should not take this pills in favor for food".
care. care. care.
One of my biggest issues with not eating very much, is because I get so tired and sleep all the time. I have things to do, and that basicly means I have to be kind of ready to anything at anytime.
If I get the super effect I wish for, I can start jogging again, and to my old diet wich works like hell. and concentrate more in classes, stay up later at fridays and don't sleep. Get more out of my practises and not least, walk up the stairs at school without thinking I fucking day if I take one more step.
God, I can't fucking wait!
the only "problem" is that they don't start working after two hours you've taken them.
But I can live with the two hours.
Its worth it.
A hard week is up coming, got tests everyday at school. And I'm going to my therapeaut, which can be hard. Especially now, as I refuse to face ... things.
I don't want to tell, because that often leads to admitting to myself I have a problem.
well, its not a fucking problem if you don't let it be one.
as I wrote before, its not true and its not real.
and why can't I live like this?
I feel immortal. I feel powerful, strong.
so, if I have to fake a smile or two til the ones I care about.
I love them still, just they can't reach my heart. Then also, I can't get hurt.
"If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad", right?
My dad's beeing an asshole again. He can be, I just need his money.
I just "jogg it over".
full speed. I feel so free now.
I'm filled with hope.
and I can't wait to start those pills!
they are just lying there in my wardrobe...
telling me about a better life
smile with me.
